Imposter Syndrome
We all experience imposter syndrome on occasion. We ask ourselves questions such as “Who do I think I am?” or “What if they find out that I don’t know as much as they think I know?”
Being a musician who has spent most of her life in an academic environment surrounded by incredibly talented classical musicians and scholars, I used to suffer from imposter syndrome quite a lot. It’s crazy how we can let ourselves be intimidated by our perceptions of how others may perceive us: that they will discover that I’m not smart enough, talented enough, capable enough, musical enough…etc etc etc.. oh! How exhausting to think about it.
In addition to starting my classical training at a relatively late age, living with low vision makes certain tasks such as reading music especially difficult and slow going for me. I was always ashamed to ask for accommodations such as receiving the music in advance so I would have time to prepare and memorize it. If the copy I received was not well printed, I would have to spend even more time enlarging the score so I could keep up at rehearsals.
There is something so painful about the thought of being perceived as “not good enough”.
I think that is also why many experienced musicians fear free improvisation. They think that not being able to improvise might reveal that they were never really truly musical or talented in the first place. The reality is that they just have little to no experience improvising, and like anything else, will get better at it the more they do it.
When I started improvising, I really did not know what to expect but it quickly felt like I had come home to my musical self. Before I went to University, I learned all my music by ear. I am now more fascinated by HOW we learn and make music, and how we bring the sum of our unique experiences to group improvisation.
Through improvisation I have come to learn that feeling uncomfortable is an opportunity for me to grow. When I find myself engaging in less familiar activities or situations that are not in my comfort zone, I have a chance to really listen and learn. I am much less afraid to ask questions, and I don’t beat myself up anymore when I don’t know the answer to a question, or when I make a mistake. Challenge is an invitation to explore my potential.
Imposter syndrome can be paralyzing. I have experienced paralyzing fear, and felt terrible about myself for being unable to overcome it. I feel so much better about myself when I am receptive to others, and allow myself to go for it and face the challenge. It can be hard initially, until I realize I have choices.
Imposter syndrome has crept in on me numerous times when I improvise. It comes in the form of overthinking or questioning my knowledge of music theory: What mode am I singing in? How could I sing that wrong note? Boy did I mess that up! My only regret is that my overthinking has ruined some potentially wonderful ensemble experiences. So how do I overcome that? I stop thinking, and drop into the moment.
When I drop into the present moment, I can choose how I wish to react to what I cannot control. I can accept and support what another player offers. This requires letting go of my expectations and using my abilities to bring that player’s ideas to life. If an ensemble starts to fall apart, I use my resources to hold it together. I feel compelled to bring something to every ensemble I play with, and sometimes that can even be in the form of silence. Active silence, silence that is the action of conscious listening that offers others the space to be themselves, it is a gift to receive their music! Instead of having to show that I can play/sing, I choose to be in music, and that can mean many things. When improvising with virtuosic players, I feel as though I am riding on waves or wind currents. I am very aware that if I give my imposter shadow a moment of my time and attention, I will fall off the magic carpet ride. I have to completely let go of thought and doubt and trust in the guidance provided by my ears, heart and inspiration.
I invite you to look at what lies beyond paralyzing imposter syndrome.