I Am My Sound

Music for People 40th anniversary quilt

Playing improvised music can be a joyful, nerve wracking, fun, uplifting and even intense experience. We learn so much about ourselves through the process. 

There is the anticipation or trepidation that precedes an improvisation, and for some it is ever changing depending on the circumstances. Playing or singing with others can raise all kinds of emotions: the pure joy of musicking with friends you haven’t played with in awhile, the excitement of playing with people you have never met, or the trepidation of playing with players who are more experienced. 

Then there are the days when you are alone with your instruments. Finding the motivation to play alone can be very challenging. Some days we may just prefer to avoid it altogether out of fear of what may come out, or not come out. 

The moment arrives, you release expectations and dive in. You are improvising. 

Sometimes the choice is to remain silent and allow an idea to come - that is one option we must never forget, even if that idea is one note. Being silent allows us to find our bearings, listen and respond. 

The first sound emerges. Mixed feelings can quickly arise if it does not come out the way you thought it would. How do you take care of that sound? It came out for a reason, and there is a lot you can learn from that sound. Instead of freezing, stopping and flagging it as a MISTAKE, follow the sound, let it transform, adjust the volume or bend the note slightly upwards or downwards, repeat it rhythmically, develop it, repeat it more slowly or quickly, add another note or two and make a pattern or create a melodic phrase. Notice how others respond to it. There are no wrong notes, only opportunities for growth. 

The improvisation continues. You start asking yourself questions: am I playing too much or too loud? Am I playing enough? Am I with the group? Trust your instincts, it must feel right in your core. If it doesn’t - offer silence or simplify what you are doing. Give yourself a chance, and trust the group. 

Social improvisation asks us to connect with our fellow players and be aware of how our musical  actions and reactions affect the group. The giving and taking that happens in an improvised ensemble is an incredibly beautiful dance. 

The improvisation ends. How does it feel? Does it feel unfinished? Never give up on the ending, that last note, that last full stop that follows. It can be hard to let go of everything you didn’t get to say, but trusting that first ending is better than carrying on or adding to something that is complete. Think of the completed piece as a chapter with many more chapters to follow.  

Do you live in the silence that follows after the improvisation? Notice what is going on inside of you during that brief pause, or whether you let that pause happen at all. At times the entire group responds in a unified moment of “WOWZA! That was an incredible experience!”. At other times players are just happy that the experience is over. If I am feeling mixed or unsatisfied by an improvisation experience, I ask myself what I can learn from it. Instead of judging myself or the group, I reflect on what other choices I could have made. 

Recording improvisations. For me listening back to my recorded improvisations has helped me grow my edges. Once I move past any initial cringes, I begin to notice whether or not I was truly in the music trusting myself and the present moment. Those moments of flow are what I strive for, and they are precious. 

When I am in the music, my voice sounds like it belongs in the piece. 

When I am in my head trying too hard, I can actually hear it. It is as though my sound does not quite fit. Even when I am improvising alone, I can tell when I am putting pressure on myself or feeling insecure because the recording machine is on. My brain tells me that I have to get it perfect, and the more I try, the stiffer or edgier my tone gets. That’s when I know I am in my thoughts and not in the music. 

Listening to our recorded improvisations is an amazing opportunity to figuratively look in the mirror and reflect on the process. If I listen to myself immediately after I play, I can relive the sensations that I felt while improvising. Often when I experience disappointment listening to myself, I know it’s because I did not fully surrender to the music. 

If I am recording a lot, I need to offer myself some distance before I listen back. It can be so interesting to listen to a recording days, weeks, months or even years after it was made. I hear me, I hear a chapter of my life, a time and a place. 

I have come to love and accept my voice, even when it sounds a little more worn and tired. Singing has become a source of profound expression. When I am singing, I feel closely connected to my own soul. 

Don’t be quick to judge your sound. Instead, reflect on its quality, and what you may have been feeling or experiencing at the time. Love and accept your sound as it reflects back to you where you are in your musical/life journey. 

…and now I take a deep breath…

I have heard from many of you dear readers, and I so appreciate that you have taken the time to read my offerings. For this reason, I feel it is important for me to share some news with you. 

During my elective surgery in June a tiny cancerous tumor was found and removed. I received the news just as I was starting my summer vacation August 5th, and it came as an absolute shock. Although the prognosis is good, and the treatments proposed are more preventative in nature, I sometimes find myself fearful that I may still have cancer. I go about my daily life, but when the doctor’s office calls, I have to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. 

As someone who loves to improvise and who believes in the healing power of music, I find myself reconciling with the profound question “why do I do what I do?” 

Earlier this year, I began conducting research with my colleague Laura Mitchell on why people engage in social improvisation and what it is that draws us to Music for People workshops year after year. 

I will share with you my reason. I attended a few days of Music for People’s Art of Improvisation a few weeks ago. I was advised not to travel as I had just had elective surgery in June, but I HAD to go. I had to go because of the profoundly special connection I feel with the people I have met and improvised music with over the years. Connecting through music improvisation is a potentially vulnerable experience, especially when there are no filters. It is a deeply soulful and nourishing union. There is only honest expression, sometimes humor, sometimes pure elation, sometimes pure fire energy. Every time I gather with others to improvise, I am transported to another world, and I return to this world a much calmer and more positive person. 

…and now I return home fulfilled, a much calmer and more positive person facing a new reality. A reality where my personal plans and goals must be temporarily set aside if the hospital calls. I must surrender to the music and follow its lead. 

The image at the top of this newsletter is the design that I created for a quilt square that became part of the Music for People 40th anniversary quilt. 

The three Music notes with hearts each have a different colour, purple for courage, green for natural, and red for love. The sun represents the joy and brightness that comes at each workshop. The sky and shooting stars are the endless possibilities that remain beyond the workshop. Each day is precious, and there are always more days to look forward to.

I Am My Sound